I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
