In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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