Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
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I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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