It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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