dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
