So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
