I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
