I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
babies were throwing up all over the place
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
