Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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