every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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