We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
