I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
