so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's rum buckets o'clock
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
