if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
