You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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