I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
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If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
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Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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