whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
