broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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