Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
