this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
