the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
