Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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