did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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