Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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