That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I puked a lego.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
