Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
