You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
