Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
