I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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