Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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