You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
