things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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