He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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