She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
