i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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