Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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