The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
