That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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