FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
