You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
