After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
