I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
