I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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