Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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