Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
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i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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