I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
