dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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