do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
