I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
