Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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