I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
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No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
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I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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