I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Randomize
