chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
